On Never Being Satisfied

I’ll admit it. I’m naturally a complainer. I’m also indecisive to a fault and pathologically afraid of commitment to anything.

Why am I this way? I’ve boiled it down to my near-constant anxiety that something better awaits me. The problem is, that something rarely comes and, if it does, it comes either after my patience has already wained or by the time I’ve already forgotten about said something.

I suppose this lack of satisfaction, perpetual anxiety, worry-wartishness isn’t completely a bad thing. Why settle? But, it is a source of frustration, as I often feel like I’m in a battle with myself. Once one thing gets satisfied, I move my dissatisfaction to another thing. Often, this other thing is something that I put on the “back burner” while I was busy complaining about the thing that just got resolved. 

And, thus, a viscious cycle begins.

I’ll give an example. While getting seriously involved in my job search, I went from “I want a cool job that will take me away to a bigger city so I can have a job and become a performer!” to “I want a cool job in another city and maybe I’ll perform!” to “I want a cool job somewhere!” to “I want a job!” to “I can’t find a job. OMG. Seasonal retail, here I come” to “Yay! I got a job!” As you might notice, some of those desires evolved over time as my expectations became more realistic out of necessity. 

Now that I have a big-girl job, I am getting antsy about performing again. I’m thinking about the head shots that I seriously splurged on last fall in an attempt to go through the motions. I’m thinking about the fact that I’m getting older. I’m thinking about the reality that, as much as I try to put a professional performing career out of my mind, it always comes back.

I’m not brave enough to drop everything and run away. If I was, I would have already gone. At the same time, however, I have to pace myself. I have to think smaller. Think in chunks. I have to see things as stepping stones and not walls.

Over the last few years, I’ve learned that my experiences and feelings are not uncommon among my peer group. We are products of our upbringing and players in a rather circumstantial game. Our mindsets are not exactly in concert with the reality of our world right now. And that’s okay. From frustration comes innovation and I have hope, even despite my late-20-something dissillusionment, that things will get better and opportunities will come. 

It’s no fun being a grump all the time and now that I’ve got that job, my next goal is to rewire my brain a little. I’m not 18 anymore and I need to retire that mindset.

So, here’s to a new chapter…


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